


Fast Cars

by wakemeup



Category: USWNT - Fandom
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-06-22
Updated: 2013-06-22
Packaged: 2017-12-15 19:25:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/853171
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wakemeup/pseuds/wakemeup
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sometimes, you’re just not lucky.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

There’s this new meaning to your heart physically hurting, instead it’s this constant reminder of who your heart beats for. Every day, every moment you live without someone you love, be it that they are far away or that they’ve passed away; it’s just a constant reminder. What’s worse is when you’re the reason for your own pain. It makes things ache a little more.

Sometimes an emotional blow can be more harmful than any physical blow someone could offer you. Sometimes it makes you want to just take off running and never stop. It can make you want to cause yourself physical harm to cover it; to mask it over.

Alex has already been through that. She’s already hit that point where it got so bad that she had to; where she needed harm herself. She won’t go back to that dark place again. She won’t do that to the people she loves because that would be selfish and all Alex wants to be is like Tobin who is selfless.

It’ll bring her one step closer to Tobin and who Tobin was. It’ll bring her closer to figuring out how Tobin worked because she was Alex’s best friend; they were each other’s worlds, but how was that possible when all Alex can remember about who Tobin was, was that she’s indescribable. There aren’t enough words to describe Tobin.

“You okay?” The man in the white lab coat asks in a monotone voice. Her head snaps up at his question. She soon realizes he’s not asking because he cares, he is asking because it’s his job. She doesn’t answer his meaningless question because she’s too focused on what she’s doing in this place. Honestly she can’t remember much at all.

“What am I doing here?” The man comes closes the distance between them and pulls out a flashlight from one of the chest pockets of his crisp white coat. This is when Alex realizes he’s leaning over to look into her eyes. He pulls up her eyelids and does that thing that all those doctors do on TV to check the whether the patient is responsive. This feels completely ridiculous to Alex, but as soon as the doctor lets go and is done checking her motor responses, Alex looks around for the first time.

All she sees is that horrid off-white color of hospital walls and a bunch of people. She thinks real hard because this is the same place she went when she was sick and she knows she isn’t sick anymore…so why is she here? Actually she can’t even remember what she’s done recently. She can’t remember much and she doesn’t know what time it is.

Panic kicks in.

The monitor next to her starts beeping rapidly. She hears shouts of ‘calm down’ and ‘breathe’, but who are these people? What do they want? No one has told her why she’s here.  
She feels a hand on her arm. It’s comforting.

That was the day she got in a car accident. That was the day they told her she had short term amnesia and that she would recover. That was the day they told her that her best friend, that her girlfriend had lost all her memory and had permanent amnesia. They told her that there was a slim chance of Tobin recovering from it. They told Alex that Tobin wouldn’t recognize her, that she wouldn’t know what they were to each other.

It’s even worse when you know that the one girl you’ve ever loved doesn’t even know your name. That she’s alive and safe and recovering right next door, but you can’t go and talk to her because she’ll never look at you the same way again. She’ll never know that you had a relationship for three years; that next week would have been your anniversary, that you went through the world cup and the olympics together. She wouldn’t know that you’ve been friends for even longer. So now she’s living this hollow life hoping that maybe one day god will grace them with Tobin’s memories and Alex’s pain will go away.

So now her heartbeat reminds her that Tobin is alive and her heartbeat reminds her that she’s still living this life.


	2. Chapter 2

 

She should have been more careful. She was so goddamn careless. She can’t stop thinking about that day. What could she have done differently. What if she just never even tried to take Tobin away, what if she wasn’t so goddamn selfish. What if she just wasn’t so fucking careless.

 

It doesn’t make sense. None of it does. Tobin doesn’t deserve to be the product of Alex’s mistakes. Tobin doesn’t deserve to be lost and confused. But Alex can’t even tell who is getting the punishment in this situation.  Tobin’s got no recollection of who the hell Alex is or what she’s done these past few years. She doesn’t remember most of the uswnt, just the players that were there in 09. Tobin can’t fucking remember anything. The doctors say there’s no hope. Alex isn’t supposed to have any fucking hope.

 

Alex’s punishment is what it has been for the past four months Tobin has been in the hospital. She sits outside of Tobin’s private room every day. She sits and she waits. She waits for a sign. Anything that’ll clue her into what to do next. She hasn’t seen Tobin awake. She’s only allowed to ever look through the clear glass windows when Tobin’s asleep. The other girl has bandages everywhere. They’re wrapped around her head and her arms and her torso. Alex fingers literally itch to be able to touch any part of Tobin. She’s scared. She’s gone four months without seeing those beautiful brown eyes. She’s gone four months without kissing those lips.

 

The nursing staff and all of Tobin’s doctors know her by name now. They talk about her. They try to comfort her. They try to take her away from her spot on the floor beside Tobin’s door. Tobin’s family looks at her with sadness and pity. They never wanted Tobin gay. They never wanted anything that Tobin did actually. They ask her to leave so many times and threaten to call security, but again, it’s been four long months of Alex being silent and her praying with her head resting on her knees scrunched up beside that door.

 

Four long months. Alex’s only family is in scraps. They have no idea what the hell to do with Alex. Alex came out of that accident with barely a scratch. She came out of it alive and whole. But they can’t see that she’s dying inside. Her heart is laid out for everyone to see. She doesn’t cry anymore. She’s got no tears left, but that blank empty stare speaks so much more than anything Alex could ever say.

 

“You can’t keep doing this to yourself, Alex.” Alex opens her swollen eyes and shifts her head up to look at Kelley. She just closes her eyes again and rests her head back onto her knees. She’s got the sweatpants she’s been wearing for nearly a month straight still on. They were Tobin’s old UNC sweatpants. She tucks her knees in closer to her body. She feels safer when she’s right outside this door. She feels like she’s protecting Tobin somehow. She’s waiting for a miracle she knows probably won’t happen. But she waits anyways.

 

She doesn’t answer Kelley. “Alex...” Kelley has been doing this every single day. She goes into that room to visit Tobin and she comes out a half hour later to speak to Alex. Tobin remembers her because she knew her before. Why couldn’t Alex have at least have met Tobin a little earlier. What if?

 

Kelley slides herself next to Alex. “Tell me what you’re thinking Alex. Please.” Kelley tries to make physical contact. She always tries to comfort Alex in someway, but Alex numb. She’s numb and she can’t feel a single fucking thing except the way her heart beats alone in her chest. Except for the way she can’t hear a thing in her own head.

 

She hasn’t spoken to Kelley since right after the accident. She hasn’t spoken to Hope or Abby. She hasn’t spoken to Pia or her own sisters. She can’t speak.

 

Kelley stays by her for a little longer. She has an arm wrapped around Alex’s shoulders.

 

\------------------

 

“I just wish I could run away sometimes.” Tobin says into the dark room.

 

“What if we could?”Alex says back after a few beats of silence. 

 

It engulfs them on a night like this. Nights when Tobin can't do anything but sit in the dark and close her eyes. It's rare that Alex is allowed into the moments, but they're instances when Alex can see everything that Tobin ever was and ever will be. 

 

"I'm 24 and I still live in the same home as my parents. You know why that is. I have an obligation to them." Alex knows that Tobin holds a burden that she can't lighten. She knows that Tobin's dad barely ever knows what day of the week it is. She knows that her mom isn't much better and basically ignores everything of it means not acknowledging her alcoholic husband. They don't acknowledge that Tobin's gay either. So they don't acknowledge Alex. 

 

"You have your own life, love." They've been lovers for a little over two years now. Friends for longer. That's a little over two years of being formally ignored by Tobin's family. Yet Tobin doesn’t see it like that. She still sees herself as a disappointment to her family. She still sees her father as the man he was when he pushed her back and forth on the swings. She still sees him as the role model who taught her perseverance and respect.

 

“I can’t leave them.”  Tobin’s stuck whispering it now. She’s just repeating it and she can’t feel anything more than that. Guilt, frustration, betrayal, love, hate, and loyalty. Tobin’s nothing if not loyal.

 

“Let’s fly away. Let’s go. Tobin, please. I can’t watch you do this anymore.” Tobin turns to look at Alex in the pitch black room. She can see those bright blue eyes. She can see all she’s ever needed in them. Two long years. Two long years Alex has put up with her. She’s waited patiently and she’s been Tobin’s every support.

 

“Okay.” She replies with in that instant. She can’t believe that this is actually happening. She trusts Alex though. She trusts her.

 

\------------------------------

 

“Alex?” A nurse. Alex thinks. One of them ones who actually knows her. Her name’s Karen or something. Alex looks up at her. She must’ve fallen asleep right there next to Tobin’s door. It’s the only place she actually ever sleeps anymore. Nowhere else feels okay.

 

“It’s late, honey.” Alex blinks at her. Her eyes still red from rubbing against those sweats. She rests her cheek on her right knee. Looking up at Karen through her heavy eyes.

 

“Let’s get you some food, huh?” Alex just get’s up. She moves along because it’s late and she’s not going to cause any trouble today. It’s just not worth it anymore.

 

She follows the nurse into the cafeteria of the hospital and graciously takes a warm cup of lemon tea. Alex may not be using her voice, but it’s soothing to her throat and calming to her body. She doesn’t know what the nurse wants from her. If anything at all.

 

“You know, you’re not the first to do this.” Alex cocks her head to the side to show her slight intrigue and what Karen’s saying. “Back when I first started. I barely knew how to get through the day because of all the heartbreak and sorrow that I see. All the people left behind and all the memories forgotten.” Alex blinks twice. She picks up her tea and squeezes her knees to her chest on that small little chair. She needs to feel like she’s not open for everyone to see.

 

“I’ve seen older couples. Alzheimers. I’ve seen children and parents. I’ve seen everything. I’ve been working here for 5 long years.” Karen stares at Alex. She can’t tell if she’s listening. She goes on anyways. “But I’ve never seen anything like what you do.” Alex looks straight at Karen at this point.

 

“You wait. You wait patiently. You only see her when no one’s around and when she can’t even tell when you’re there. You don’t want to bring her pain, but you suffer through yours instead.” Alex starts to feel water on her face. She thought she was out of tears for a lifetime. “Alex, I’ve seen miracles happen.” Karen looks at Alex and feels as though she’s made her difference. Alex hasn’t showed emotion like that in too long. She’s watched over Tobin’s room since she got to the hospital. Karen gets up to leave and smiles at Alex before pushing in her chair and exiting the cafeteria.

 

\--------------------------------

 

Alex sits on her chair and waits. Miracles can happen. Tobin’s loved God every single day of her life. Maybe Alex needs to have faith in that same God.

 

Alex gets up and walks towards Tobin’s room. She digs into her pocket for the phone that sits in there throughout the day. She needs to do what she does best. She needs to just feel. Alex sends a text off to Kelley and sits back in her spot next to Tobin’s door. It’s barely 9:00pm. She knows that Tobin’s family has left and that she could go in right now and be by Tobin’s side. She knows Tobin falls asleep around 8:00 and because of the heavy meds she’s usually passed out.

 

But Alex waits patiently outside that room. She sits and thinks about everything she’s ever felt for that girl. She remembers the first time they kissed and the way that Tobin pulled away with that stupid slick smile. She remembers the first time Tobin nutmegged her. She remembers the first time they sat in the park at midnight and swung themselves on the swings. She remembers it all.

 

“Alex?” Alex gets up when she sees Kelley standing there. Kelley hands over her guitar to Alex and a pick. “Alex?” Alex looks at Kelley and tries a bit of a smile.

 

“Thanks” Alex murmurs out. Her voice hasn’t been used in so long. It’s scratchy and soft. She doesn’t recognize it. But Kelley smiles at her. She smiles at her and turns around to leave because whatever it is that Alex is going to do, she’ll do it on her own. Alex has always been strong. Through the world cup and through every heartbreak, Alex is strong.

 

Alex turns around to look at the white door that separates her from Tobin Powell Heath. She takes a couple deep breaths and reaches for the handle. She walks into the room and moves the stool that’s in the bathroom right next to Tobin’s bed. Alex hasn’t played this song since before they got into that accident. She hasn’t touched a guitar since all of this happened. But she needs to let this out.

 

She picks up the pick and strums a chord. Another.

 

_You got a fast car_

_I want a ticket to anywhere_

_Maybe we make a deal_

_Maybe together we can get somewhere_

_Anyplace is better_

_Starting from zero got nothing to lose_

_Maybe we'll make something_

_But me myself I got nothing to prove_

Alex’s voice is so rough, but she pushes through. It’s simple. This is them. This is everything.

 

_You got a fast car_

_And I got a plan to get us out of here_

_I been working at the convenience store_

_Managed to save just a little bit of money_

_We won't have to drive too far_

_Just 'cross the border and into the city_

_You and I can both get jobs_

_And finally see what it means to be living_

_You see my old man's got a problem_

_He live with the bottle that's the way it is_

_He says his body's too old for working_

_I say his body's too young to look like his_

_My mama went off and left him_

_She wanted more from life than he could give_

_I said somebody's got to take care of him_

_So I quit school and that's what I did_

 

Alex is crying and she’s forced to close her eyes and play out the rest of this song.

 

_You got a fast car_

_But is it fast enough so we can fly away_

_We gotta make a decision_

_We leave tonight or live and die this way_

_I remember we were driving driving in your car_

_The speed so fast I felt like I was drunk_

_City lights lay out before us_

_And your arm felt nice wrapped 'round my shoulder_

_And I had a feeling that I belonged_

_And I had a feeling I could be someone, be someone, be someone_

 

She stops. She can’t do it. She can’t finish it. It’s terrifying to her. She’s crying to hard now. The pick drops to the ground and Alex leans onto Tobin’s bed. She can’t stop the tears. She was someone. She was someone next to Tobin.

 

“Why’d you stop?” Alex looks up at Tobin. The tears come harder now. Those brown eyes. Those beautiful brown eyes. She’s on her knees. She’s on her knees next to Tobin’s bed. Tobin’s hand moves to cover Alex’s free one.

 

\---------------------------

 

She does it everyday now. Alex makes it through her misery everyday to sing that song to Tobin. Tobin expects her now. She still doesn’t know her name or who she is, but she says the song makes her feel.

 

Feeling is enough to make Alex do it every single day.

“You know it’s helping?” Karen says to Alex about two weeks in. Alex still doesn’t speak to much of anyone.

 

Alex shakes her head and refocuses. It’s almost 9. She can go in to see Tobin soon.

 

This time when Tobin shuts the door and moves the stool over next to Tobin’s bed. It’s different. Alex doesn’t start off right away. She looks at Tobin and Tobin’s sitting up and alert. Tobin’s holding her gaze. Those eyes.

 

“Alex?”

 


	3. Chapter 3

She hasn’t quite found herself again yet. She has strings of memories floating through her head. It’s confusing and frustrating and irritating. She has been watching people walk in and out of this room for months. She’s got a leg that still healing and bandages still covering wounds.

 

It’s so fucking frustrating. She doesn’t even know what to make of herself. One minute she feels okay, but the next she feels like she’s in this never ending vacuum. The doctors come in to ask how she’s doing and she responds with the routine ‘fine.’ Same thing every day. Same unfamiliar fuzzy faces. She knows her family. She knows some of the people that come around and say they’re her teammate. She recognizes them. She recognizes Kelley.

 

Kelley’s been a savior. She’s come around a lot more than Tobin’s own family. She sits and she’s quiet. She’s patient and sometimes, when Tobin’s not staring at the pale blue wall of her room, she’ll turn to look at Kelley. She’ll look at her face and she’ll look into Kelley’s hazel brown eyes. She doesn’t understand what to do with herself. She knows that this person in front of her is significant. But she hasn’t spoken to her in two months.

 

There’s a nurse. She comes in in the afternoon and she speaks to Kelley who’s at Tobin’s side. They always chat lightly. They never talk about her. Kelley’s spoken to Karen the nurse more than she’s spoken to Tobin.

 

Every time Kelley leaves Tobin’s room she hugs Tobin first. Tobin just looks at her and it’s terrifying that she barely knows who Kelley is, but she knows that she feels okay when she’s around.

\-----------------------------

 

The first time Tobin woke up to Alex playing made her want to cry. She heard the chords of the guitar and she stirred awake.

 

She was pulled into reality and it felt like hell. She heard those strums and she heard that voice and it just hurt.

 

She felt it.

 

It felt familiar.

 

She opened her heavy eyes to see someone sitting on a stool beside her bed. Tobin doesn’t recognize her at all, but that voice. She doesn’t know what it is about that voice. It’s captivating to her.

 

The girl on the stool next to her is singing these words. She knows the song is familiar it’s so familiar, but she can’t pin it. She knows this feeling better than anything else she’s known since she’s woken up in this damn bed. Everything is just fuzzy. Barely in her reach, but she just can’t focus herself enough to really see anything. The only she things she knows about for sure are the things from years ago. That’s terrifying to Tobin.

 

The girl’s voice is cracking now and Tobin’s caught herself sitting up more as if to reach out for her. When the girl starts crying and finally just stops playing Tobin can’t help but crack her mouth open to ask; “Why’d you stop?” Now the girl is kneeling beside her and she’s crying, but Tobin hasn’t felt this much sorrow since she woke up.

 

\------------------

 

“I can’t remember anything, but I still feel.” It’s the first time she’s spoken to Kelley in so long. Kelley almost doesn’t recognize that voice. It shocks her. The sudden sound in the room that has been silent for so so long. Kelley almost doesn’t even catch what Tobin says because it’s whispered out. She just looks at Tobin. Maybe this is it. Maybe this is the first sign. Maybe this is the miracle that both Kelley and Tobin need.

 

“You feel?” Kelley responds back. She just wants to try to get Tobin talking. She doesn’t even really care if she understands what Tobin’s saying.

 

Tobin shrugs her shoulders and closes her eyes again. “I know you’re here and I know I’m safe. I’m okay.” Kelley stands up and moves to sit on the edge of Tobin’s bed. She hopes this doesn’t set Tobin off.

 

“That girl...Alex?” Tobin looks at Kelley for confirmation. She had overheard one of the nurses saying that name outside her door and she didn’t know if that was right or not. She continues; “Alex, she....she comes in here everyday and sings that song. I can’t remember her, but it’s something...it feels okay. When she’s in here. It just feels okay and it feels better.”

 

Kelley looks at Tobin. Really looks at her. She sees the brown of Tobin’s eyes, she sees the yellowish spots on her face and arms from the bruises. She sees that scar on her right shoulder from the time that Tobin’s dad threw a bottle at her. She needs to help in any way she can. Alex and Tobin are her best friends. They’re both struggling and Kelley actually just can feel how much pain Alex is going through. Kelley has always been there and she will see this through.

 

“You know her name. Try to talk to her Tobs.” Kelley accidently let’s the nickname out. She started that nickname. She doesn't’ want Tobin to feel uncomfortable with it now. Tobin barely knows her.

 

Tobin makes the first contact for the first time. She reaches over and touches Kelley’s hand. The movement is hard for Tobin because of the way she’s laying on the bed and the way that Kelley’s back is to her, but she does it anyway. She hopes that Kelley understands that she’s trying. She’s really trying.

 

\-----------------

 

“Alex?”

 

Alex stares into Tobin’s eyes. Tobin can’t shake the feeling. That name on her tongue sounds so natural. She says it again; “Alex.” It’s more final this time. It’s not a question now.

 

Alex doesn’t know what to do with herself anymore. She doesn’t know what any of this means, but that’s her name on coming out of Tobin’s mouth. That’s her name from the one person she loves with everything that she is.

 

“Tobin.” Alex replies back moving closer to the bed. She needs something to hold her up; to keep her stable.

 

Tobin looks at Alex and everything’s just a little bit clearer. Those green-blue eyes are watery and she’s been crying and Tobin just needs to reach out and wipe them off her face. This is Alex. Alex means something to her she’s absolutely sure of it.

 

“You called me Tobs. You and Kelley. You guys loved calling me Tobs and Tobby.” Tobin says as she sits up in her bed and shuffles a little closer to the edge to keep in the same space as Alex.

 

She doesn’t know how she remembers that right now. But it came back. It’s something coming back. It’s small, but it’s there. It’s something. She remembers the teasing and how she hated being called Tobby. She remember how Alex would whisper it into her ear sometimes. She remembers that. Tobin realizes that Alex is crying harder now. She’s practically sobbing and Tobin can’t help but feel like she needs to share that. She needs to understand Alex, but she needs to sort through her misery too.

 

“You whispered it in my ear. So many times. So many nights. Alex?” Alex uses her arm to wipe the tears off. She tries to control herself.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“You held me?”

 

“I did.” Alex doesn’t understand what time or place Tobin is talking about, but that’s okay. She’s remembering. It’s coming back.

 

“Did he ever love me?”

 

“No one can not love you, Tobin.”

“You loved me?” Tobin hasn’t asked this many questions or spoken this long to anyone, but this is Alex. Right? This is Alex.

 

Alex doesn’t know how to respond to that. What is she allowed to say. This is her lover, this is her best friend. “I still do.”


End file.
